It’s been 6 years since I’ve been on a date. I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m a 45 year old single mom, with three kids, whos stuck in a career going nowhere with no time to keep her vagina happy. Wrong...But close. I just turned 30, I’m unemployed, my mom died last year and I’m still stuck living at home with my dad, who has the energy of a black hole. Cheers to 30! A serious dry spell has permeated every aspect of my life. Like, how does anyone in their 20’s stay single that long? Let me tell you, there are many ways. I’ve been thinking about one way in particular a lot lately. It’s called, The Izquierdo Curse. Let me explain.
When I turned 21, the women in my life had bestowed various bits of knowledge onto me. I cherished some of the wisdom as golden nuggets being passed down through the generations. There was one bit of information though, that I will never forget, La Maldicion Izquierda (The Izquierdo Curse).
“All the women in our family have it,” my aunt said.
“The what?!” I asked confused.
“La Maldicion Izquierda (The Izquierdo Curse). It’s why all the women in our family have such bad luck in love. We are cursed!
“A curse? Who cursed us?” I curiously wondered.
“A man. He wanted to marry our great grandmother but she refused. Imagine, a woman refusing marriage at the time? She was a fighter. Turns out the man was so upset at her refusal, he cursed her and all the women to come after her.”
“That can’t be real.” I replied worried.
“Oh let me tell you, es muy real.”
“So what do you mean by bad luck?” I was intrigued.
“It’s what you’d assume. We have a hard time finding lovers and when we do, we don’t like them too much but end up marrying them anyways. We don’t marry well. I didn’t, tus tias didn’t, your mom didn’t. We can’t help it. We’re all stuck.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. This is a bunch of bullshit that might have actually gone down in the 18th century when spells and witches existed, but now we are in modern times. We are modern people with modern science experiencing modern love. But at 30, jobless, motherless, apartment-less, and loveless, I couldn’t help but think back and wonder if maybe the curse was real and that maybe it had gained traction with the generations, extending the bad luck to all the other aspects of my life.
Desperate to control some aspect of my life, I decided to date again and try meeting some guys online (because that’s how you get back control over your life). I strategically decided to choose men who exhibited strong qualities that were completely unlike the men in my family. I wanted to defy the curse. I was going to outsmart it by being strategic because I am modern.
The Harvard Grad
Nobody in my family was highly intelligent, which is why Brandon was perfect. Or so I thought. He went to Harvard then Berkley and was now a data scientist working on his PHD. He’d worked at all the companies that produced all the apps you use in your phone: Google, Facebook, Snapchat,etc. On his profile he listed an array of activities he enjoyed: hiking, painting, reading, running. Perfect on paper. Turns out out the man most nearly hadn’t been outside in about a year. His skin was translucent and you could tell he hadn’t been in the presence of a woman in, I think, maybe...ever.
The MMA Fighter
This man was BEAUTIFUL. No man in my family was that attractive or physically healthy. Anthony was half Spanish and Native American. He looked exactly like his photos. A rare sight for online dating. He was tall, fit and had a beautiful smile. His social media accounts displayed an unexpected side of him. He was goofy, playful, and creative. It’s just a shame that that version of him didn’t show up for our date. He was a log. The hottest log you’ve ever seen. He just sat there, silent. It’s like he thought his looks would do all the talking. The reality was I ended up having to. Who knew the weather was so interesting?
The Writer
I thought this guy was going to be fun. He described himself as a dreamer. He was a writer, a creative type. The men in my family weren’t creative so this was new for me. I thought, perfect! A designer (me) and a writer could make the perfect couple. We are both dreamers. Unfortunately that’s where our relationship stayed, a dream. Nothing ever happened in real life. I’d set up plans and then I’d hear an hour before that Andy had decided to go to the beach instead with his roommate. Another time, the movies with his coworkers sounded like a better option. I don’t think he disliked me, but I think he enjoyed the idea more of not knowing where the day and night would take him. He was the sweetest dandelion I had ever met. The man couldn’t keep to a plan even if it was God’s. He went wherever the wind took him.
There were a few others but nothing ever went beyond 3 dates. After a year online, I couldn’t help but actually feel cursed. If I waited around for messages, I didn’t get them. But if I reached out first, men never seemed to reach me halfway. They just wanted me to do all the work of setting up the date, making the first move and deciding how far things would go. In other words, they wanted a mommy. And I have no plans to be a mom before having my first child. Remember, I'm modern.
After the year, I decided that I was going to give myself a break from dating. My strategic picking wasn’t getting me anywhere. I started to think about La Maldicion Izquierda (The Izquierdo Curse) a bit more. I thought, if a curse was actually cast, then it could technically also be lifted? At least in theory. I decided to cast my own love spell to lift the curse that had plagued the women in our family for generations. Why hadn’t anyone thought of it before?!!!
I went to a small shop that even Sabrina, the teenage witch, would find too much. Crystals, beads, powders, potions, soaps, books, animal limbs, and oils covered every inch of the place. I spent an hour in there deciding what concoction would lift the spell. I was already feeling dumb for being there so I didn’t ask for assistance on my diy spell. I opted on the handmade soap that apparently had been cooked during the perfect star alignment to bring love to anyone’s life. It was pink with rosebud shavings on the edges. It was lovely and it was going to fix my love life. I was sure of it!
I knew I had to use the whole bar to get the full effects of it so I was patient. I even made up my own chant to help things along.
“Love is true. Love is kind. LOVE IS MINE!”
I enjoyed the smell of it every time I showered. Slowly the bar shrank and finally I was on my last use. I thought,
“Today’s the day. I’m meeting a man worth my time. A man to help lift the spell.”
The day started rather ordinary. I went to work, went out lunch, went back to work, then drove home. I was upset that nothing had happened. Maybe my soap spell hadn’t worked? Or maybe is was my chant? In one last attempt to meet opportunity halfway, I went to the supermarket. Yes, the supermarket. People always find true love at the supermarket. That's why it happens in movies all the time! I drove to the closest one because it was late. As I walked towards the market door from my car I heard behind me,
“Excuse me miss...”
My heart began to beat heavily. My last minute plan was working! I turned around.
“Do you have a few dollars to spare?” a homeless man asked.
Frustrated, I reached into my purse and gave him $5.
“Thank you miss….you are very beautiful. Would you mind if I asked for your number?”
After a second I thought, "Hmm. A man meeting me halfway? I think my spell needs some tweaking."